Remember Me?

Alright. I’ve disappeared again. It doesn’t make for an exciting, riveting blog if the author never posts anything, does it? I’m not even sure I have valid reasons or if they’re just excuses. I feel like I’ve been busy though – that should count as something I think J

So, how is my diet, you ask? It’s stagnant. I gain two lbs, then lose two lbs. Back and forth, back and forth. I’ve basically been at the same weight for the last month and a half. Of course, the holidays are NOT helping. There are so many yummy Christmas goodies being passed out at work. It’s a wonder I haven’t gained all my weight back.

I’m doing well today though. I confided to David last night that I ate some junk food at work and after hearing him talk about all the things he has to reject all the time at his job, I started feeling  really really guilty. For instance, he got to work yesterday and his boss had given him a basket full of food. And of course it was junk. Brownies, cookies, full sized candy bars, sodas, and chips. You know what he did? He gave it away to his coworkers. Me? I would have eaten it. I have no will power – especially when it’s social stuff like xmas presents and treats. So this morning when I got here, I took the candy I hadn’t eaten yet and threw it away. He is trying so hard and he deserves to have a wife who not only supports him, but does her best to get herself healthy, too.

And now it’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I had an egg salad sandwich with baked chips and pineapple in a cup about 3 hours ago and I’m starving. About 3 feet to my left is a huge basket filled with candy bars. 20 feet behind me in another cubicle is an Italian cream cake, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and peppermint bark (my favorite). My co-workers have passed me numerous times, stuffing their faces and commenting about the good food. I’ve had about 5 sticks of gum and am working a bottle of water. This is not easy.

Tomorrow is our Christmas party. We’re doing it in the morning and they are supposed to be catering in breakfast. I doubt it will be fruit and yogurt parfaits. I think my strategy will be to eat my own big breakfast before I come in to work. Even then, it will be hard not to participate in our breakfast but I’m going to try.

So. Damn. Hard.

I'm still on planet Earth

I can’t say for sure that I’m ‘back’. But I’m here! That will have to count for now.

The day of our last weigh in for the first quarter went as I thought. I knew I wouldn’t make it to 193lbs. No expectations were met, for I didn’t have any – or so I thought. The next two weeks, I became really depressed. The thought that I missed my goal by a measly two pounds kept haunting me.

You know what I should have done? Sucked it up and lost the extra two pounds. Better late than never, right?

Instead I wallowed in self-pity. I came home and laid on the couch in a tv-induced coma til it was time for bed. I didn’t talk much at work. I didn’t want a big dinner with friends  for my birthday. I just didn’t care.

Ironically, I still kept up my jogging through all that. Go figure.

About a week before thanksgiving, I started getting lazy. I told myself it was because it got dark at 530 and because it was cold enough to make my teeth chatter, but honestly, I lost focus. I wanted to stay home and paint or play my video game instead of running circles around the neighborhood down the block. My famous motto came back full force – “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Well, it’s been two weeks and I have yet to jog even one mile.  My new excuse is that I don’t have enough time. Which is partially true. I’ve been working on a lot of commissioned art projects and it takes a lot of my time. But still – if I was honest to myself, I’d have to admit that realistically I have time for a 30-40 minute jog.

My eating habits are worse, but not horrible. In the past month I’ve kept track of my points maybe 5 times. I can’t pinpoint why I don’t want to track anymore. Is it having to write everything down? Is it too much work to prepare healthy meals now? Is it because I don’t want to write down all the Christmas candy I’ve been shoving in my mouth at work? Yes, yes, and yes. It’s more than that, though.

I’ve read a book called The Science of Dieting. The author really lays down the bare truths about sugars and fats and processed food. It hit home for me. However, as much as I would like to eat differently, I just don’t have the taste buds for it.  I went grocery shopping and bought nothing but organic, processed-free food. It was GROSS. Unless I lose my sense of taste, I don’t see myself ever being able to eat that way. But now I’m left with a problem.

See, on weight watchers, you eat a lot of low-fat, low-cal food. Which is great as far as weight loss goes. But the kicker is that in order to make these type of foods taste better, the manufacturers add a lot of sugar. And regular sugar I’m somewhat ok with. It’s the fake sugars like Equal, Nutrasweet, etc, that I don’t want in my body anymore. These replacement ‘sugars’ were all created on accident, in laboratories, with chemicals that would normally kill people. Even real sugar, off the shelf, is bad for us. By the time we buy it, it’s been stripped of all its nutrients and bleached and processed. That’s why our body freaks out when we eat it.

So this is my problem: Do I continue to eat low-fat/cal stuff and lose more weight, while allowing my body to suffer from extra sugar? Or do I buy stuff that’s fatty and calorie-rich, have a harder time losing weight, but not subjecting myself to chemicals and sweeteners that my body can’t handle?

A regular yogurt, for instance, is 4 points. 4 points is quite a bit. I normally eat 4 points for lunch. But a low-fat yogurt is only 1 point. Can you see the appeal?

So yeah, this is where I’m at. I want to lose more weight. I want to run. But I feel kind of stuck right now.

I have been going back and forth between 198lbs and 195. One week I gain, the next week I lose, only to gain it back next week. It’s been a battle.

David is down 33lbs lost. He’s doing great! You all don’t understand how awesome he is. He refuses to eat anything bad. I don’t know how he does it. They cater food in at work, and he has me make an extra sandwich for him so he has something else to eat. He won’t eat candy. He won’t cave in when I try and get him to do a pizza night. I would give anything to have the mindset and willpower that he has. He deserves to have lost so much weight.

I’m not quitting. I’m just kind of here – in diet limbo. I’m waiting for that “spark” that will push me to start trying really hard again. I have motivation but it’s not enough. I need a fire lit under my butt.

If anyone wants to offer money to me for losing more weight, I think that might do it J

Hey, it’s worth a try!

I'm still alive

I've taken a little break from blogging. Maybe one day i'll write about why but right now I just don't feel like talking about it. Keep checking back though. I will return soon :)

The results are in....

I tried harder this week than any other that I can think of, and I lost…..

One Pound.

So that makes my total weight loss for the first quarter seventeen pounds – just 3 pounds shy of my goal of twenty.

I know it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have waited til the end to step it up! But you know, I am still proud of myself. I’m no longer in the two hundred pound range and that means a lot to me. We celebrated last night with pizza, now my pants feel too tight lol. I guess we should have celebrated with fruit instead.

Oh, and you’ll be happy to know that David lost four pounds so he has actually lost 28lbs all together. That’s eight pounds more than his goal! I’m so proud of him!

So today we start working towards our next twenty pounds. Well, technically, David only has 12lbs to go. I have twenty-three. So NOT fair! At least I have until January 22^nd to get rid of that weight. I’ve confided in a good friend at work about trying to lose weight, and she’s been doing really good about keeping me out of the candy box J. I’ll be jogging now instead of walking so there should be more calories burned with that. This week it’s in the eighties though – not too happy about that. But I’ll suffer through it.

Yesterday was hard. I won’t lie. I cried after we weighed ourselves. Poor David, lol. But he really is proud of me and he knows how hard it is for me to lose weight. When I woke up this  morning, I felt a lot better about things. I think these next few months will be harder though. I will have to blog more, so that I can vent more, and trudge on through this diet!

5 Days Left

Waiting until the last week of my weight-loss ‘program’ to shed these unwanted pounds wasn’t the smartest thing to do. Friday is food day at work. The smell alone will make me salivate. Saturday I have a wedding to go to and you know what that means: Wedding Cake.

This is a good week to jog though. 60’s and 70’s each day with no rain. I’ve even asked for running shoes for my birthday (which is 3 weeks away). I feel like I’m getting better each day and I haven’t caused serious injury to myself yet so I may as well keep going. I want to get to the point where I can jog the entire 3 miles without stopping. This way, if I ever have to run from the police, I’ll at least have a fighting chance. 

The hardest part of all this honestly is just being at work. Most of my days are slow and normally I would pass the time by snacking. (I wonder how I got this fat? Haha). Now I just sit here. Occasionally I get up for a glass of water. I watch everyone bring in fast food and eat it at their desks. At least once a day they will stop in front of my cubicle and grab some chocolate out of the Halloween treasure chest that they put in our walkway. And I just sit here. I’ve found some solace in hot chocolate, but even that I have to be careful with.

I didn’t realize how much I ate until I’ve made myself refrain from it. I always had  snacks in my drawers or in the breakroom. Now I have a jar of peanut butter and a bunch of water flavor packets. It’s kind of depressing. Food makes things funner.

On the plus side, Gertrude’s last day is this Friday. I’ll work her area for a while until they find a replacement so that will keep me busy and less likely to snack. No one’s noticed my 16lb weight loss yet, but that’s ok. I think I probably just look less squishy but it’s probably hard for others to put their finger on that. I feel really good and that’s all tha t matters.

193. That is the magic number that I need to see Sunday. I will have finished my first goal, gotten a prize for losing 20lbs, and I’ll be at a weight that I haven’t been in for over 3 years. To be honest, I haven’t been under 190 in over 5 years so this might be a big breakthrough for me, assuming I am able to keep going with this. I don’t doubt my will, but I do doubt my bodies’ ability to do what I ask of it. haha.

5 more days!

4 more lbs

Woohoo - down to 197. That means I only have 4 pounds to lose by next Sunday. ONLY 4 lbs. haha. How do I get myself into these kind of situations?

So goodbye sugar and bad carbs. I will miss you, however, I look forward to seeing you again next week, after I've hit my weight loss goal. :)

So Much Pain...

Crap, crap, crap.

The end of our first 3-month weight loss goal is very near. Next sunday to be exact. Now, I'll be weighing tomorrow and I may or may not have lost weight, I'm not sure. I've been good but it is the month of Halloween and I'll be darned if I can't keep my hand out of our candy bowl at work. But as it stands now, I still have five more pounds to lose to meet my goal.

Five pounds in 8 days.

Nothing like waiting til the last minute, Caitrin.

It's all good though. I work better under pressure. I went grocery shopping today and bought good stuff for this week. We're staying away from sugar and carbs. I'm hoping that will give me the edge I need to get rid of these final pounds.

What happens next sunday after our goal has been reached? We start our second 20lb weight loss goal! This one will last until January 21st and I imagine it will be really hard for us, especially with the holidays coming up. But it will be the most rewarding if we can go through with it.

I'm pretty proud of myself. I've been jogging and it seems each day I get better at it and am able to last longer before stopping and walking. My shins are killing me but.... no pain, no gain. Right? Oh and I did some killer sit-ups a few days ago and I've been sore ever since. I can't laugh, sit up, press down on my gas pedal - nothing. IT HURTS.

We've had storms all day so around 630, when there was finally a break in the clouds, I headed up to the lake and went jogging. Here's a photo of the sunset:

And here's a photo of the massive storm heading my way that caused me to run faster than I normally would:

You'll be happy to know I made it back to my car without getting poured on or struck by lightening. I did, however, get attacked by a lot of scary bugs.

I'm spending the remainder of my evening downloading new jogging songs. Then I'll go to bed. And then we'll wake up and weigh-in. I'm a little anxious about that. I'll let you all know how it goes!

So Long 200!

198
198
198
198


I weigh 198! I haven't weighed less than 200 in over 3 years. I'm sooo relieved that I broke the curse. haha.

David has lost a total of 24lbs.

We're getting there!

Fall!!!!

It's  here! I woke up to a chilling 40-something degrees and I LOVE IT. I've got chili (low fat of course) in the crockpot, warm bread in the oven, and firewood for our fireplace. I'm in heaven.

This week has been interesting. Monday night I went walking and decided to run a little bit. 30 minutes later I was doubled over with stomach cramps. Turns out I picked up this stomach bug that's been going around and lucky for me, I was half way around our lake when it decided to hit me. Fun times.

I stayed home Tuesday and used all my weight watcher points on saltine crackers and ginger ale. Wednesday I was back to eating good and walking/running. I really enjoy running now. Well, I guess 'jogging' would be more accurate. I dont think anyone will ever see me sprinting down the lake trail, unless someone is behind me with a knife. Or there's a tarantula on the path. The only problem is I have these shoes that are specifically for walking. When I try jogging in them, I get shin splints. So why not buy running shoes? Because we are on a budget and it's just not in the cards right now. I have some old New Balance sneakers that i'm going to try today. I'm not sure why I even stopped wearing them. I hope I won't find out. 

My fortune cookie predicted this.

Yeah...not the best week.

I always start out the week pepped up and ready to go. And then I get hungry. Before my diet I honestly didn't think I had any addiction to food - I just knew I only liked things that weren't good for you. But now I'm starting to wonder if I was wrong. I can't tell you all the different foods I've been craving. It actually keeps me up at night. Seriously.

Weigh-in was as I expected it would be - two pounds lost for hubby, 1/2 a pound gain for me. Of course I blame the chinese I had last night. It's been raining all week too so I haven't walked much. I could have done my exercise bike though, so really I have no excuses.


On the plus side - I had to go get new clothes. None of my jeans fit me well anymore and I am down to one pair of work pants. I found me jeans and pants in size 16. Before I was either an 18 or a 20. I was pretty stoked. I got them at a thrift store though. I dont want to spend a lot of money on clothes that I'm not planning on wearing a long time. I spent a total of six dollars on those pants! haha

I'd like to say that this week will be better but apparently saying that all the time is jinxing me. I'll get over this hump soon, but part of me is really just happy that I have lost this much. I've got my meals pre-planned this week and it's not supposed to rain, so I should be walking every day. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

This is how I like the sun....

....when it's going down :)

This made walking totally worth it tonight. I'm not in love with Oklahoma City but there are parts of it that make me glad I'm here.

The Dress

I did pretty bad this week with food choices. I didn't walk much. I ate more than a thousand calories on our date last night, and when I stepped on the scale this morning - I broke even. Technically, I lost .2 pounds. I'm just so so glad that I didn't GAIN any weight!

We have a battle plan this week to get ourselves back on track (David broke even too). We will be eating the exact same things we ate the first week of our diet. We both lost 3lbs that week so you'd think it would work again.

I think I just needed some indulgence. Now that I've stuffed my face with crap and allowed my legs 5 days of rest, I'm ready to get back in the game. I'm viewing things a little differently now. Honestly, I really didn't feel like losing 13 pounds had changed my body much. My jeans are bigger but I couldn't pinpoint where the weight loss was coming from. Until I went dress shopping.

I have a few dresses but I wanted something new for our date night. I spent 4 hours shopping yesterday - went to three different Ross's (that's where I always get my dresses), and I finally found a lacy, sexy, but appropiate dress. lol. Here's the kicker - it was one size smaller than what I usually wear in dresses. When i first started trying on dresses I found a few in my size and a few bigger than my size. They all hung on me in weird places. It just wasn't working. I went back to the dress rack and found some cute dresses in 1 to 2 smaller dress sizes than what I've always worn. I brought them to the dressing room and tried them on.

They fit.

It was then that I realized why dresses look better on me now - I've lost my thighs! haha. I've never been able to wear clingy dresses before but now they actually look pretty damn good. I ended up buying a dress that actually fit to my body - I've never had that before and it felt amazing to be able to wear it.  I didn't think about taking pictures until we got home that night but I did manage to snap a few before I changed. Forgive me for the crappy images - Ive never been good at photography.

That look I'm giving scares me haha.

And in case you were wondering - Blue Man Group was really awesome.

Woe is me...

Okay this week did not go according to plan. Tuesday I was STARVING. I was trying to eat less so that I could for sure lose a few pounds this week and get below 200. Bad idea.

We ended up having pizza for dinner (instead of having it Friday night like we normally do) and it was awesome. I didn’t walk that night although I did go walking the next morning. I didn’t know what kind of affect that pizza would have on me until the next day. I thought I would be satisfied with my greasy, fatty dinner and be ready to tackle the health food again. I was so wrong.

Wednesday I was even hungrier. I ate stuff I shouldn’t have and by the time I got home from work I felt bloated and gross. I was so depressed that I just stayed home and sulked. We ended up going to bed at 8 that night.

Thursday I was still really hungry. My stomach was making noises during a meeting I was in and actually disrupting work. And I was eating my healthy stuff that I brought from home – it’s not like I was starving myself. My stomach just wanted more. Again I ate stuff at work that I shouldn’t have had. When I got home I didn’t eat supper but I’m pretty sure the damage was already done. Again, I was so depressed. I’m seriously one pound away from a big goal of mine and it seems impossible that I will ever get there.

Today was food day. I outdid myself. My pants feel tighter as I write this and the kicker is that I’M  STILL HUNGRY. I can pretty much kiss any potential weight loss this week goodbye. Tomorrow we have a date night – dinner and then Blue Man Group and I’m not about to waste money on a salad. I’m sure I’ll eat heartily and I’ll pay for it on the scale Sunday.

Part of it is that it’s hot again. And humid. And they closed my walking trails by the lake for 4 days this week because of some bike race so I can’t even go walking at my usual spot. I need to form a plan of action to get me back on track. Whatever I’ve tried these last few weeks has failed miserably. I’m even thinking of looking at week one of my diet/food journal and just eating the exact same thing I ate  that week. It worked once, it should work again.

I’m still depressed. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I’m starting to wonder if my mind plays a much larger role in my weight loss than I’ve recently believed. I’m not satisfied with the diet plan and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my mind that is hungry and not my stomach.

Crap – do I need to go to a shrink? I really do think I need my head examined. I think there are reasons behind my weight problem that need to be dealt with. My husband’s having no problems. If he’s hungry or craving other foods, he’s not saying anything, and he’s obviously losing weight like he should. I wish I could learn from him but in some ways, me and him just think completely opposite from each other and I don’t think this is something I can twist my mind into learning.

Hopefully I’m making sense. And hopefully you’re not completely depressed after reading my post haha. I have to believe that things will get better but I don’t think it’s in the cards this week. My mind needs an intervention. Or maybe it’s my stomach.

Anyone got a good shrink they can recommend?

Temptation

I went to work with my bagged lunch full of healthy food and snacks, only to be greeted by free donuts. No worries though - I resisted. Although I may have wandered into the breakroom, opened the donut boxes, and inhaled deeply a few times. Then at lunch time someone went and got sweet and sour chicken and fried rice from one of my favorite chinese places. It smelled like heaven. The ironic thing is that is the only meal I've been totally craving lately.

Why, God? Why???

I didn't go running to China House like my stomach wanted me to. I ate my apple and yogurt covered pretzels and tried not to breathe through my nose. It worked.

Then tonight I come home, make dinner, and get changed into my walking clothes. But before I could go out, my husband forces me to watch a movie, and before you know it, it's pitch black outside and I can't go walking by the lake like I wanted to.

Let me explain the movie part so you feel a little more sympathetic for me. My husband got to draw his prize for losing 20lbs. He ended up with the prize that said he could buy any one item from our favorite store, FYE. They have video games, movies, cd's - it's pretty much the coolest store ever. So we went yesterday and he ended up getting a DVD Box for The Matrix. There are 10 discs in this savy little box. The three Matrix movies, an animated movie called Animatrix, and a crap load of special feature stuff. One of the DVD's is nothing but two hours of the movies' soundtrack. It's crazy.

So last night we watch the first movie, The Matrix. I've seen that one about a dozen times. I've only seen the second one twice and I have yet to see the third. It's been awhile since I watched part two so I really wanted to see it. As you can probably guess, that's the movie he put in before I got my walking shoes on. Once it started I was transfixed and glued to the couch. At least I can watch the third movie and have some understanding about what's going on.

To make up for my laziness, I'm going to wake up and walk in the morning. I might have had to do that anyways - it's climbing back up to 95 again. I swear, this summer is never going to end.

You said it, Neo

Disappointed

Let's start with the good news for this week's weigh-in. My husband had reached his first goal. He's lost 21 lbs! Which means he gets to draw from our prize selection today. You need to understand - he barely exercises. This is just his diet that is causing him his weight loss. He likes a lot more food choices than I do so he can get by with eating healthier lunches and whatnot. I'm the one having to figure out how to fit junk food into my meals so I can actually eat each day. Anyways - I'm proud of him :)

Me? I stayed exactly the same. I started this week out exuberant; sure that I would end this week out of the 200 lb weight range. The first 4 days went good. I walked A LOT and stayed within my points. But then I started snacking more and not writing down what I ate and friday I didn't walk at all. Honestly I should have still lost weight. I've been cleaning and burning calories left and right. But my body is too stubborn I guess.

Can I cry now?

This is beyond frustrating. Even David is flabbergasted. I eat so much less than I used to and I exercise so much more. And what do I get after 7 whole weeks of this? 13 pounds off my legs (they're the only part of my body that seems smaller so I'm thinking that's where all the weight is going. Just what I always wanted - Chicken legs).

Am I going to give up? Of course not. This week I'm going to stretch myself a little bit further and get down into the one hundred's. No skinny cow desserts. No sugar at all if I can help it. I'll be more diligent about writing things down and I'll be sure  to put more effort into walking faster. Maybe I'll even jog once in awhile. (gasp!). 

I'm also going to blog each night to keep myself accountable.

I'm on the road to a skinnier me - I just have to keep stopping to fuel myself up. The point is - I'm still going.

I just spent my friday night cleaning the kitchen. Do I know how to live or what?

I also finished my 'before and before' pics. Check out my new page.

It's 11. I'm going to bed.

My dogs are barking

So I walked today before work...and again later this evening. Why did I walk so much? I'm not sure to be honest. I just felt like it. I won't feel like doing all that again tomorrow though, I know that much.

So bad news. Gertrude has lost another 15lbs. She is now at a weight loss of 35 pounds - and she started her diet around the same time as me. (If you're confused on who Gertrude is....scroll down to read my Gertrude post. And shame on you for not reading all my posts!). Now, it might seem mean that I'm not wanting her to lose weight, but I swear - the girl is actually boasting about it. It's all she talks about and it's annoying. I want her to go away. Or get fat.

I've been listening to audiobooks a lot lately. I downloaded an app called Overdrive and it allows me to check out audiobooks or e-books from my library whenever i want. It's freakin awesome! So when I get tired of music, I download a book and listen to it. I've usually got a book playing all day at work, and lately, when i've been walking. Today I listened to a biography called 703 - How I Lost a Quarter Ton and Gained a Life, by Nancy Makin. Normally I hate non-fiction, but this one sounded interesting. It's basically about a lady who got up to 703lbs and then lost a bunch of it. Her story is actually really interesting. It also made me realize that I never ever want to be bigger than what I started this diet at.

Tomorrow it's supposed to storm. I'd like to go walking, but staying at home and reading a good book while it's raining out is a rare treat. I guess it will be up to mother nature. I might even do a few rain dances to sway her - it wouldn't hurt. :)

Where's my fat at?

A co-worker of mine has been doing water aerobics. A few of the girls here said to her, “you look like you’ve been losing weight!” To this she replied, “Yes. Yes I have. I’m down six pounds!” Congratulations all around, hooray, hoorah, blah blah blah.

You know what? It sucks to have lost 13 pounds and have no one notice. Of course I’m not doing this for them, but still, the weight had to have gone somewhere – so why isn’t anyone seeing it? Ugh. Stupid non-observant co-workers.

Other than that, things are good. Better than good actually. I’m so hyped up now about getting below 200lbs, it’s to the point that I’m not even thinking about cheating lol. I even went walking last evening when it was hot and sunny out. I wanted to puke and pass out, but the point is that I did it and I’m proud of myself. I’m looking forward to Friday when a cold front comes in and brings the temperature down to a chilling 75 degrees. Ha.

To be honest, if I hadn’t lost weight last week, I’m not sure I’d be trying hard right now. I really struggled the first 6 weeks. Losing weight even the slow way is frustrating. And I have no patience. Things are slowly looking up now. I feel like I’ve gotten past the rough patch and am on the downhill slope to a thinner, and happier, Caitrin.

And if I need to wear hoochie, tight clothes so that my co-workers notice my weight loss, so be it.

Just kidding.

...and I'm back! And skinnier!

After an eight day break, I am happy to be home and focusing on my weight-loss again. We weighed ourselves this morning. This is our sixth week I think. David is down to 17lbs lost. Only three away from his goal!! That means he'll get his 20lb achivement prize before me. Bastard.

And me? I don't know how, but I lost 4lbs on my vacation. I'm down 13 and only ONE POUND away from getting out of the 200's.

Squeel!!!!

It's definitely giving me the motivation that  I need to pick things back up and really start focusing on shedding this fat. I was getting so discouraged and although I wasn't going to quit, I wasn't excited about it anymore either. This vacation is exactly what I needed I guess. 

So, how well did I stick to weight watchers while on my trip? Let's see.... I didn't track my points, I ate a bunch of junk, and I didn't walk at all. So not that good I guess. I think I lost weight because even though I ate poorly, I ate very little. It wasn't all intentional either.

I left for New Mexico on Monday around 10 a.m. I had a cooler full of bottled water and dt. Mountain Dew. I stopped at the gas station and picked up a 6-pack of hostess donuts and a small bag of sour cream and onion chips. I was off to a real great start.
I was totally planning on stopping in Amarillo, Tx (the half-way point) and picking up some grub. I decided I was going to eat what I wanted - I didn't care about points that day. I wanted to make this boring road trip as fun as possible. When I got there, though, I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. I wasn't all that hungry either. As I was leaving the city, I started craving tacos. I decided that the next city I came to, I would stop and get me some yummy Taco Bell.
I still had 4 more hours to travel, and about 20 more cities to drive thru, and not one freakin place had a Taco Bell. Seriously. But I didn't want anything else so I just kept on driving. When I got to mom's around 530 (she's an hour behind me so technically I got there at 630) she had Dominoes waiting and I scarfed down.

The next few days were weird though. I wasn't hungry. I ate Taco Bell one day, McD's the next, but I just got small meals and didn't eat much else throughout the day. It's probably just as well - we mainly stayed indoors and watched TV and Movies. I have permenantly put a caitrin-sized buttprint into the right cushion of my mom's couch.

I left Friday morning at 7. I had every intention of hitting up Dunkin Donuts when I got to Santa Fe (about 20 min away from Mom's) and getting a large Iced Mocha Latte with an extra shot of Expresso, and 2 (or three) donuts. For the first time, though, I ended up getting lost. By the time I got back on the right highway and passed Dunkin Donuts, it was packed and I didn't want to stop. I decided the next fast food place I see I would stop at and pick up breakfast. I was on my way out of Santa Fe by that point. The next fast food place I saw was Carl's Jr, about two and a half hours later. I got a large meal with a egg, sausage, and cheese croissant. I couldn't even finish it. A first for me.

When I got to Amarillo again, I wasnt hungry, so I didn't pick any food up. On my way out of the city I started craving a Dairy Queen Blizzard. It wouldn't be easy to eat it and drive but I didn't care. All i wanted was a chocolate blizzard with reecees peanut butter pieces in it. The joke was on me though - I didn't pass another Dairy Queen. I got home at 5, starving since I hadn't had anything to eat since 10ish, and i was still craving ice cream. That whole road trip was one big disappointment.

David was so happy to see me. We've been together 10 years and still can't tolerate being apart from each other. I had missed him so much. We decided to celebrate being together again by getting Little Caesars Pizza and renting a movie. I pigged out. It was great.

Today will be the first day I have walked since over a week ago. I'm probably going to be sore. I'm still shocked I lost weight last week. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it sometimes. I'm so close to my goal of getting under 200lbs I could almost dance. This week I'm going to lose a few more pounds and get out of this weight-range. I'm pumped and excited and extremely hyped up. I go back to work tomorrow but I like my job so I'm not too upset about that. I hope Gertrude hasn't lost any more weight - that might bring me down a little, but this time off has made me realize that focusing on her and what she's doing is only making things worse for me. I need to just concentrate on me.

Although I think it's still perfectly acceptable to stare daggers into the back of her head when she's not looking.

Vacation!

To say I'm frustrated is an understatement. And what sucks is I knew this would happen - I was just hoping I'd be proved wrong.

Weight loss is at a standstill. I lost ten and have stayed that way. I won't weigh again for two more days but I can just tell - nothing's changed. I'm walking and eating good. My body is just being stubborn! To make it worse, it's getting super hot outside again. Walking might have to be put on hold for a few days. I could wake up early and go, but I'm on vacation now and I refuse to wake up at the butt crack of dawn lol. In three days I'll be heading to New Mexico anyways and I won't be able to walk there at all - unless it's at walmart.

I enjoy having my blog but I think part of my vacation will be trying to break ties with technology. I want to focus on getting crafts done and getting stuff done around the house. I'll update sunday when I weigh myself (cringe) but I'm not going to post next week. I need to focus on other stuff right now.

I know I have some faithful readers now and I'm truly thankful. Keep me in your thoughts this week as I struggle with eating healthy in New Mexico and walking on my days off here in the city. I need some good vibes sent my way :)

Am I in Miami?

It's. So. Humid.

I went walking anyways. Now I stink and am covered in all kinds of nasty sweat. I think I deserve to at least lose one pound for this. And not one pound in water weight but in fat.

Sometimes you need to be specific when you wish for something. The universe is tricky like that.

Im getting excited. I get to see my mom in one week. I'll be driving to New Mexico and spending the week at her casa in the little town of Espanola. It will be a week of relaxing, watching scary good movies, and....eating. I talked to my mom today and she has all these yummy fatty meals planned for us. Yikes! I said "Mom - I've lost ten pounds. I can't gain it all back after just one week with you." So, although I'm sure I'll partake in her chex mix, cinnamon rolls, and Hurley Hotdogs (our family specialty), I will also be sure to bring lots of fruit and water to munch on in between meals. I have to at least try.

Honestly the worst part will be the 7 hour road trip. I have a routine down. I stop at Dunkin Donuts on my way out of town and get an Iced Mocha Latte with an extra shot of expresso, and some donuts. This gives me enough energy until I stop for gas in Lawton. Then I usually pull thru a drive thru somewhere, get a large coke, a sandwich, and fries.  Maybe even some candy at the gas station. Then I stop for gas again in New Mexico and I'll get another Coke. Or maybe Mountain Dew or a Redbull. Something with lots of yummy sugar and caffeine. Then, when I finally pull into my mom's driveway, she'll usually have food waiting for me. It's a day of eating, drinking lots of sugar, and making my drive as fun as possible so I don't fall asleep and run myself -and others-off the road.

As you can probably tell, I'm a little apprehensive about my trip this time. Western Oklahoma and the Texas panhandle are flat, boring, and horrible to drive through. You can't even go above the speed limit. They have more state troopers manning the I-40 Interstate then they do down at the Border. I need sugar to keep me alert and awake. I need good food to look forwards to - it's my reward for making it that long without getting pulled over or falling asleep.

I'm definitely bring some Dt. Mtn Dew and some Cherry Coke Zero. That will take care of the caffeine. As for what I'll eat those 7 hours......honestly I have no clue. I'm not coordinated enough to eat a salad while driving, not that I would eat one anyways. I guess there's always subway.

Any suggestions?

Come again?

Well poo. I gained a pound. I knew I would though. Even though I walked most of the week and ate good, I just wasn't feeling it. On the plus side, David lost 3lbs! So he's pretty excited. I filled in his thermometer. I can't erase crayon so i guess mine will just stay the same haha. Crap.
.

Don't think this is going to bring me down. Hell no. I'm made of tougher stuff than that. If anything, I think this gain will help me focus on doing better this week so I can show the scale who's boss next sunday. I'm not changing my little scale on my blog either. That's too depressing and besides, I'll lose that pound in the next few days.

So yeah, tough week. I was tired, depressed, and sulky. I didnt feel like writing. I didnt feel like doing much. I even walked slower on my walks. But I already feel a bit better today. Tomorrow is a new day. I bought some yummy healthy stuff at the store today so that will help when i get snacky at work. My house is clean. I'm hanging out with a friend later tonight. I only have to work 4 days this week and then I start my vacation. Things will get better. And since I no longer feel like writing, here are some funny pictures:

Can I get some cheese with that whine??

The last few days have taken a toll on me. I’m not sure what started it. All I know is that the past two days I have been extremely hungry and tired. Wednesday was great. Thursday I woke up and felt like I had been fasting! My stomach is so hungry it hurts, and it’s not like I’m starving myself. I’m tired and have no energy. I still walk but I walk with a lot less enthusiasm and pep. My excitement for being on this diet and losing a little weight has completely gone away.

Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not quitting. That’s not even an option. I just think things will go a lot slower than I originally planned. I’m almost positive I didn’t lose weight this week. I don’t feel different. My clothes don’t feel different. And maybe since my heart isn’t in it right now, my body won’t be either. Weird how that works.

I need another spark – something to get the fire started under me again. I’m still watching what I eat. I’m still walking an hour a day. But I’m just going thru the motions right now. I feel like I’m trapped and am never going to lose any more weight. Maybe I’m just cursed? Maybe I’m an exception to the whole ‘eat well and lose weight’ rule. Or maybe I just have a thyroid problem. Ugh. Maybe this is just a phase and next week I’ll read this blog and be like….wow – I can be really whiney sometimes.

As my mom always says, “if you can’t cry, than laugh”, and I’m not crying yet. That will probably be Sunday after the weigh-in. haha.

Can anyone SEE me?

Sorry it’s been a few days – life is keeping me busy! But I’m doing good. I’m walking in the evenings now and I love it! My best friend walks with me sometimes, too, which is so much fun. We just laugh the whole time and the walking goes a lot faster. Plus we’re working our abs! haha. I’m eating pretty good. I have more energy. I’m in a better mood.

I still feel fat though.

I’m just waiting for the morning that I wake up and look in the mirror and actually see a difference. No one at work has even noticed anything, although I don’t blame them. A ten pound weight loss on me just means I look a little less bloated lol. It will be another 10lbs before anyone can really tell I think. This morning didn’t help things. Gertrude was in charge of our monthly meeting and everyone commented on how great she looked. Ugh. And she does look good – although I think spanx may have played a part in it today. I also had to get up in front of everyone. I sucked in my tummy and tried to look thinner. Inside I was screaming “someone notice my weight loss!!!” but no one did. It’s frustrating. I’ve worked so hard for 4 weeks now and no one has noticed. Usually I would just give up but this time it makes me want to work that much harder. My big payoff is coming!

I always quit after losing 10 pounds. I’m constantly gaining and losing 10lbs so I’m not entirely content with this weight loss. Now if I lose another ten, I’ll have pushed through my comfort zone and actually have done something really challenging for once. That voice is still there telling me that I won’t lose any more weight. I can only lose 10 – that’s the rule. I can walk as much as I want but it wont make a difference. I hate that voice. I’m hoping to prove it wrong this week. Then maybe it will shut up for good!

Imma Gangsta

Good news and bad news. We had our fourth weigh-in today. I lost 3lbs which means I've officially lost 10lbs!!! Yay me! The bad news is my husband only lost half a pound. He's pretty aggravated and I don't blame him one bit. He ate really good this week and even went running with a friend. Being the perfect wife that I am, I told him to not let it hold him back or discourage him. And then I told him I will personally see to it that he spends at least one hour on the exercise bike a day - or else. Haha.

I went on my walk this morning. Woke up at 730. In the morning. On a Sunday. Oh my, what's happening to me???? It was nice and cool and the sun stayed behind the clouds the whole time. Maybe it read my latest blog and decided to ease up on me a bit.

I also went grocery shopping and I realized I am having to deal with a new problem. My favorite jeans, which have always fit me just right, are now falling down. I kept having to stop and yank them up. I looked like I was trying to be a thug or something - they're literally falling down to my low hips. Pretty soon they'll just fall right off (I hope anyways!). I actually do have two pairs of jeans that are smaller, but I still can't fit into them. The two jeans that I normally wear are both getting pretty roomy. There's no way in hell I'm buying new jeans either. I guess I'll just look thuggish for awhile.

I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday and read my latest book, 50 Shades of Grey. I had to see what all they hype was about. So far it's been interesting, to say the least. The writing isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and the plot is very....um.....engrossing, but that's not always a good thing. We shall see...

The Sun has it out for me

 

Today we had lots of thunderstorms. It was wonderful! When they finally cleared out I looked at the temp outside - 66 degrees. I was so freaking excited. I changed into my walking clothes and drove right out to Hefner lake to get some walking done. About five minutes into my walk, the sun came out.

The sun and I have never gotten along. I get overheated so easily and it's all thanks to the bright ball of fire in the sky. Usually if the sun is out, and it's warmer than 50 degrees, I won't walk. I end up getting nauseous and weak if I do. It's been like that since I can remember. The sun has never been my friend.

So anyways - the sun comes out, but you know what? There's still a pleasant breeze. I would be just fine. After 20 min of walking, though, the breeze stops. Great. All I can feel is the heat from the sun pounding on my head. I'm sweaty, dizzy, and nauseous. And I still have 40 minutes to walk. Long story short, I finished my walk and made it back to my car without passing out. The temperature was 76. It rose ten degrees during my walk. How lame.

I normally wouldn't have blogged about something as trivial as this. However, this happens to me ALL THE TIME. As I said, I don't exercise when it's sunny out, so when I walk in the evenings, i wait for either cloud cover, or for the sun to start setting. It never fails though. The minute I get out of my car and start walking, the sun comes out. It's evil. And it hates me. And sometimes I think it's trying to kill me.

Maybe walking at 445 in the morning isn't such a bad idea after all. 

I now have an audience. EEK!

I skipped my walk yesterday and I can’t believe how guilty I feel about it. I promise I wasn’t being lazy, I just finally slept good that night and I wanted to get as much of that good sleep as possible. My brain punished me though. All day long I was hungry and tired. My pants even felt tighter. How dumb. I made up for it this morning though. I even walked longer than I had planned – although it wasn’t intentional. I got lost in the neighborhood I was walking in lol.

So today is food day here at work. We have one food day a month. Today the theme is sandwiches. I signed up to bring diet coke – I don’t cook or bake. And I’m cheap. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll eat today. Hopefully someone brought a fruit tray.  Dieting on food day sucks.

I finally invited some people to look at my blog. It didn’t bother me that no one reads my blog. I write these things for myself and let me tell you, I’m a good listener. But it all comes down to accountability and truth. If I have an audience, I will be more likely to succeed with my weight loss. And knowing people are reading these posts will keep me more honest. I feel like my weight has been an issue that I’ve tried hiding in the closet, pretending it isn’t important and that no one sees it. But now is the time for honesty and I can no longer ignore what is literally the biggest problem in my life.

I was scared to have my friends read my blog. A lot of these guys live in other areas of the country and haven’t seen me in awhile. I could have just kept up my charade that life is great and that I look great and haven’t gained 75lbs in ten years, but I no longer see the point. I think a lot of people struggle with their weight and maybe revealing the true me will inspire others to no longer ignore their weight issues either.

Anyways, what’s done is done. These words will be read, or not, and they might inspire, or not, but I feel like I have taken the next step in this journey of mine (admitting I have a problem lol) and that kind of makes this new life style change a little more real. There’s nothing like baring your soul to a bunch of people and openly talking about your most embarrassing problem. God bless the internet.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Motivation

I’m going to be positive today. Well, at least I’ll try. I think I need to shift my focus on what is working for me and what positive changes I’ve seen, instead of dwelling on how much further I have to go on this crappy diet. So, yeah, positive things I’ve noticed:

My clothes are looser.

Stomach is getting smaller – my shirts fit better anyways.

I’m less tired.

Well, that’s all I can think of. It will be a few more weeks before anyone notices me losing weight. I just need to stay focused. I can do this until October. I owe myself that much.

One Meal Won't Make You Gain Weight

I realized why I’m struggling. Being hungry all the time doesn’t bother me. I can get used to that. It’s never being full that is the hardest to deal with. I think for some people, and apparently me, fullness equals satisfaction. I’m not content with eating a small meal. I want to eat ‘til I’m full dang it. It’s slowly getting better, but it still sucks. Part of me thinks I should just go get a big meal somewhere and eat until I want to puke. If I don’t, and this continues to eat away at me, I might end up just slipping anyways. But instead of just one meal, I’d probably end up on a day long binge. So should I take my chances, or eat something fatty and filling (because let’s face it – a low-fat meal isn’t going to fill me up)? And if I eat this one meal, will it screw up my weight loss this week? Ugh.

On that topic – one of the reason’s I gained all this weight is because of a saying I once heard: Eating one meal isn’t going to make you gain weight, and skipping one meal won’t make you lose weight. I would go to Chili’s or something, order my favorite calorie-rich food, and not feel guilty because, hey, one meal won’t make me gain weight. Obviously, anyone smart who heard this quote would be like…well...that’s true, but if you have MORE than one meal, that principle won’t work. Yeah. Tell that to my head. The next day, we’d go out to eat somewhere, and I’d get whatever I wanted because (all together now) one meal won’t make me gain weight. It was my motto. Now that I’m trying to lose weight, I feel like anything I eat in excess will make me gain weight. Weird how that works. I’m so divided. One part wants to be good and persevere and lose more weight, and the other half of me (the beast with-in) wants to eat, eat, eat. On the plus side, I’ve woken up early the past two days to go walking so at least I have that going for me.

Maybe I can eat a big bad meal and go walking TWICE tomorrow? hehehe.

*hangs head in shame*

One Pound

Today was our third weigh in. My husband got down another 3lbs - which means he's lost a total of 10 in 3 weeks! I'm super proud of him. This is just from eating right. He hasn't exercised very much at all.

And me? I lost......one pound. Ugh. BUT (and I'm sorry for any men reading this) I just got my period and I'm bloated and I normally gain a few pounds on my first and second day of my cycle. So honestly, I might have lost more. But I can't weigh myself again until next Sunday so now I'm just shooting for a goal of 5lbs lost...the 3lbs that I would normally lose in one week, and an extra two to make up for this week. Still, it was sad to only fill in one number on my scale. :(

The good news is that I'm actually excited to begin a whole week of walking. I really really like my walks. I actually got up at 6 Saturday morning and went out to the lake and walked a whole hour. What the hell is wrong with me? Although I did come home and go back to bed for a few more hours so I'm not going completely nuts.

This week I'm going to try and be positive. I won't let myself get depressed about my slow weight loss until I see the scale next Sunday. It might seem dumb to let myself get down about losing a pound, but you see, i have a very irrational fear that i will never get below 200lbs. I have this insane, illogical belief that no matter how good i eat and how much I exercise, that I will always be stuck in the 200's. I haven't seen 199 in years. It seems impossible now that I will see that number again. And it's only 6lbs away! If i get on the scale next week, and I'm only down a pound or two, then my fears will seem that much more real. And I'll probably have a break down.

But I won't think about that this week. I'm just going to focus on making better food choices, doing my daily walks, and leveling up my villain on DC Universe (I am sooo addicted to that game!).

Here's to optimism and a good week of weight loss!

Gertrude

Yesterday was hard. I was discouraged and depressed and frustrated. Upon reflection, I’ve come to realize that I was just being dumb, but sometimes you need to fall to get back up again.

I was actually having a pretty good day. I felt good about my walk in the morning. I wasn’t as hungry as usual. I was even in a good mood. Then I talked to her. (Queue the evil – Da! Da! Dum! music here)

 No one from my department reads my blog but, just in case, let’s call her Gertrude.

I had gone into our break room to get my lunch out of the fridge. My manager was in there pouring coffee and Gertrude was sitting at the table staring at her phone. My manager saw the grapes and apple that I was digging out of my lunch bag and asked if was dieting again. (That’s a sad word – “again”. Ugh.) Yep! I told her my hubby and I had started a little over two weeks ago. She said that was awesome. I said thanks. I turned around to leave, and then Gertrude looked up and asked me what diet I was on.

Now a little background about Gertrude so that my reaction to what transpired between us makes a little more sense. Have you ever met someone that, for whatever weird, unknown, irrational reason, you just didn’t like? Their face, their voice, the way they talk – EVERYTHING? And usually you’re the only one with a problem because everyone else seems to adore them? This is how I felt about Gertrude. And I feel bad for having these feelings. She seems nice. She just bugs the crap out of me.

So she asked me what diet I was on. I told her weight watchers. She said that’s cool (but in a way that meant it wasn’t all that cool). She tells me she’s doing Medifast.

 Um….Medifast? So you’re fasting???

 No. Medifast – it’s a diet that provides you with meals and stuff.

 Oh. Ok. Cool.

 Yeah it is. I’m never hungry. It’s great!

 (WTF?. I’m always hungry! That is so not fair!).

And then she says that she’s already lost 20lbs and she’s only been doing it for a few weeks. I could of punched her. I mean, she’s not as heavy as me, but she’s still a pretty big girl…and I don’t like her. So understandably I want to lose weight and be skinnier than her. Instead of giving her my right hook, though, I just congratulated her and went back to my desk.

Of course the first thing I did was Google “medifast”. Turns out it’s what she said it is – a meal replacement program. The kicker? It’s SUPER expensive. One box of cereal is almost 18 dollars. A 24 pack of diet shakes is almost 80. She had to of spent a fortune getting all this food. You have to eat every 2-3 hours, so you’re going through this stuff fast. Unfortunately I didn’t realize this yesterday, but it hit me this morning during my walk – she spent probably close to 400 dollars to lose 20lbs. And you know when she starts eating normal food, she’ll probably gain back some of the weight. Me? I’m losing weight on a budget. I’ll save my hard-earned money for new clothes, thank you very much. But yesterday I just felt defeated. I wanted to afford expensive diet meals. I wanted to boast a 20lb weight loss. I didn’t want to be hungry. When I got home from work, I didn’t even want to eat. I felt if I ate anything it would make my weight loss progress slower. Luckily I have an awesome, reasonable, and smart husband. He pretty much said what I just pointed out – our way really is the better way. And so I had supper. And today I feel a whole lot better about everything. It’s crazy how just one thing can bring you down.

I want to be the better person and say that I hope Gertrude really does lose more weight and actually keeps it off, but I have to be honest. If she gained all the weight back in the next few months, it would make me feel really good. I’m evil and mean and horrible, I know. But at least I tell the truth. I want her weight loss to be as hard as mine. It’s only fair. Don’t hate me.  

I made walking my Bitch

Guess who got up at 445 to go walking this morning? I hate to admit it, but it wasn’t all that bad. For some reason I thought I would be walking alone on a deserted street, pitch black because none of the street lights would be working, and walking past dark houses because everyone who is normal is asleep in their bed. I learned that the street I live on is actually pretty busy and well-lit at five in the morning. I only saw one other pedestrian, though. Some blonde girl who was younger and fitter and cuter. I said ‘good morning’ as she passed, but I gave her a look that said “Yeah. I can do this too, Bitch.” I’m sure she got the message.

So am I going to do this every day? Heck no. But I am going to try (weather permitting) to wake up and do this on the weekdays. As soon as the temps drop below 90 though, I’ll resume my walking in the evenings. No one needs to wake up this early if they can help it.

I might be a Schtzophrenic

I really want to go walking again, but it’s like the fourth circle of Hell out there. I’d end up face down in my own pile of puke, waiting for some super fit runner to stumble upon me and call 911. Even if I managed to walk an hour without passing out, the glaring sun would at least guarantee that I spend the night with a horrible headache. My apartments have a small fitness room but there are always big scary guys in there. No thanks. 

Since I started this diet, a small annoying voice has been whispering in my ear. What it suggests is ridiculous. Nearly impossible – and I’ve told it that! But the stupid whispering won’t stop. “Get up at 4:45 and go walking”, It says. That’s just insane. I’m not going to get out of my warm bed, change out of my warm jammies, and go exercise. Only athletes and weird fitness freaks do that. Besides, it’s still incredibly humid outside. I’ll be covered in sweat when I get back and if I take a shower, it might make me late for work (yes I do shower, just normally I do it at night) .Then the list of reasons NOT to get up early and exercise starts piling up. It’s not practical. I’m not training for a marathon. I can wait a few months for it to cool down and then resume walking at nights like I used to.

But that voice won’t shut up.

So I figured tomorrow I will get up super early and walk 50 minutes. I’m sure all the reasons why I didn’t want to do it will become apparent and I will be able to tell that voice I TOLD YOU SO. And then it will go away and leave me alone until the weather gets cooler.

 ……Right?

Obi-Wan is in my Head

 A weird thing happened today. I got totally hungry. Had the opportunity to eat something that really wasn't that unhealthy, and my mind started playing Jedi mind tricks with me. Here's a snippet of what I had to deal with today:

Me: Hey! I have half a pop-tart in my desk drawer. If I eat that now then I'll be less hungry at dinner and won't inhale my food in five minutes. And it's only 5 points. Not too shabby. (Mouth starts salivating - stomach lets out a huge gurgle)
Obi-Wan: A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Me: But.....why does it matter if I eat 5 points now or 5 points later? You're not making any sense.
Obi-Wan: You can have results or excuses. Not both.
Me: So if I eat this pop-tart, I won't be able to lose weight? That's dumb. A calorie is a calorie.
Obi (we're on a nick-name basis now): Suck it up now so you can suck it in later.
Me: I hate you.

A Rant from Caitrin

Today they had ice cream cake. I had an apple. This blows.

Love me some Lazy Mondays!

I took off work today. I've been stressed out and just wanted a day where I could lay around and not to jack crap. I was planning on laying on the couch in my pjs, watching Columbo, and doing crafty stuff - but thanks to my husband, I ended up playing a video game. All. Day. Long.

DC Universe. Ever hear of it? He helped me create a character last night and now I'm addicted. I can't complain though. I still had a monday off and I didnt have to change out of my pajamas.

The worst part about having a "me" day when you're on a diet is that you don't get to just eat all the junk you want. Before, I would go thru a drivethru in the morning somewhere, bring breakfast back, and gorge myself. I probably would have even gone to the store the day before and loaded up with my favorite snack foods so I could indulge myself all day. It was weird not incorporating yummy food into my special day off. I didn't like it. But I already felt guilty for laying on my butt all day, I didnt want to make it worse by inhaling tons of calories and fat too.

My husband and I have both committed to riding the exercise bike for one hour tonight. Yay.

Since I've started dieting, I have finally learned how to correctly spell 'exercise'. I've always had a hard time with that word. I guess that will go on my list under "pros" for losing weight. You learn how to spell fitness words.

Oh and I've lost another 3lbs. Which means I'm averaging about 3lbs a week lost - and that's without exercising. If this stupid heat wave would go away, I'd be able to walk by our lake again. Seriously - it's right down the street from me. It's a tease. Sorry coastal cities, but I'm praying for a hurricane. I need to lose this weight faster :)

I have found the secret to eating less...

It's called sleeping in til 11:30. I ate breakfast around 12, a small snack around 4, and dinner at 6:30. And I still have points left over. So basically my job is keeping me from obtaining my dreams of being thinner because they make me come in at 8am, therefore subjecting me to endless snack cravings and regular meal times. Those bastards.
Weekends really are harder though. We went to a friends house tonight and they had ordered in chinese. I'm pretty sure I salivated a little. And what's weird is I'm not even a huge fan of chinese - and when I eat it I feel so bloated afterwards. Not to mention I burp up sweet and sour sauce for a least a day. But still, that fried rice sure smelled yummy.
You know what I'm grateful for though? These:

If you haven't tried these, I feel sorry for you. They make dieting a lot easier because I actually feel like I'm eating something naughty haha. If I could just eat these all day, I would. I love Skinny Cow products, but I don't like their name. If I saw a skinny cow, I would say, "wow - look at that sad, sick cow. I hope someone puts it out of it's misery." I think instead they should have named their company "happy cow" and put a cow with a big smiley face as it's mascot.

There are reasons I don't see eye-to-eye with my marketing department.

I'm planning on staying up late so I can pull another late sleep-in. Then we weigh in again for our 3rd time. I'm scared. I'm shooting for at least 2lbs lost. If the scale says I've gained weight, I will drop kick it. Or punch it. Or cry.

Are we there yet???

I've been dieting for 12 days. Every hour has been a challenge. I'm hungry. I want chocolate milk. I feel like all this work should have resulted in at least 20lbs lost. Ha. Although I do have to say my clothes feel a little roomier. I just hate the waiting. At this pace it will be another 2 weeks before I'm down ten pounds.

Ugh.

I think this is why my diets usually only last a few weeks. I always feel like my effort should have better results. I know - not very realistic. But I literally spend HOURS each day calculating my food, preparing meals, looking up recipes..... and starving. 12 days and my stomach still wants more food. I went into the forbidden filing cabinet at work today and got two 3musketeers. You know why? Because they had CUPCAKES. And I couldn't have one. Well, at least not without losing a bunch of my points. So I got the next best thing so I wouldn't feel deprived.

   VS





When I lose twenty pounds, I'm going to celebrate by eating a cupcake. A chocolate one.

I'm sure I come across as a food addict. Not at all, really. I don't love food. I usually don't eat all that much. It's just that the food I do like to eat tends to be really really fattening and bad. And now I'm on a diet where I can't really eat the foods that I like and I'm eating stuff I wouldn't normally eat and all I want is to eat something that tastes good and God, dieting sucks. I wish i could just be normal and like vegetables and meat like everyone else. Chicken/veggie stir fry? Don't mind if I do.

I think I'm done whining now. If you're still reading this, I commend you.

My sore throat made me do it

Ended up getting a vanilla shake today. Actually, I got it this morning for breakfast (don't judge - my throat was so swollen my tonsils were practically touching). I have to say, dieting is a lot easier when you're not sick. When you don't feel good you want comfort stuff. 7-up, Ice Cream, Potato Soup. Your bed. And when you don't feel good, exercise, fat, and calories are the furthest thing from your mind. So I got my vanilla shake. I could have gone large but I didnt - got a medium instead. That made me feel less guilty later on. It's not all that bad though. The shake actually took up half the points I'm allowed for the day, but that's why we get bonus points! I probably would have ate more during the day but another thing about being sick - you're less hungry. Maybe I should stop washing my hands and start licking the shopping cart handles so I can stay sick all the time.

I'm kidding.

People do stupider things than that though to lose weight. I mean, how much safer is it to take a diet pill that you bought straight off the supermarket shelf? Not that I haven't tried it before. I've wasted way too much money on that crap actually. The only thing that half-way worked was Dexitrim, and that's because it made me sick to my stomach. AWESOME. You know why diet pill companies make so much money? Because of suckers like us.

I stayed at work all day, even though I really really wanted to go home. Now that I'm home, I'm going to lay on the couch, read a book, and not do anything. My exercise will be walking back and forth from the bathroom. I will drink all the juice and milk I want. And. I. Don't. Care.

All I freakin want is...

A milkshake! Just one regular-sized vanilla milkshake from Braums. I tell myself it's because of the sore throat I woke up with, but honestly, I just want that cold, creamy, fatty goodness. And it's 113 degrees today. Haven't I earned it from just having to tolerate this heat???

Nice try, mini 3-musketeers bar!

I had one goal today: to avoid the candy bowl at work. We keep it in the file cabinet so not everyone that walks by can dig their greedy hands into it. I think each of us in my department open that drawer about twice a day and take a piece or two. It's part of my routine now. Last week (the first week of my so called life-altering diet) I still had two pieces a day. I didn't count the points either (gasp!). Why? Because the candy was small, and they were three musketeer bars - known for their light fluffy filling and their low-fat goodness. Or that's what I kept telling myself. But I know it was wrong. If I put it in my mouth, I have to record the points. That's how it works.

So all day long I avoided the filing cabinet. I heard it open and shut numerous times - but for once it wasn't me. I'm pretty proud of myself. It might seem a small thing, but if you knew how much I love chocolate, you'd be super proud of me.

Today was the first day I didn't stuff my face with chocolate. It was also the first time I made chicken tacos. And I have to say - they ROCKED. I'd attach a recipe, but it's pretty basic. Grilled chicken with lots of cajun spices, tortilla shells, cheese, sour cream, and hot sauce. I'm sure you're impressed.

It's 8 now. I'm going to finish watching How I Met Your Mother, and then I'm doing my exercise bike for 30 minutes. It's going to be Legen - wait for it - dary!

Is it going to work this time?

Out of all the diets that I've tried, there's only one that truly worked. It was slow-going, tedious, and a lot of work, but all in all it gave me the best weight loss and I kept the weight off a lot longer than I usually do. What is this magic diet I speak of? Weight watchers!

You need to understand, I'm not a member anymore. I'm not paying for classes or meetings or website privileges. A few years ago I joined WW at work. If I completed the 6 week course, my job would reimburse me half of what I paid. At the time I was up to 212 so I was desperate for anything really. And I'm cheap so that was appealing too. After the meetings were over, I had lost 20lbs. Not a huge number, but more than other time I've tried to lose weight. I've tried it a few times since, but all that calculating and writing things down SUCKED. I'm a lazy dieter. I don't want to put much effort into it. Which is why it probably never works haha.

Luckily for me, I still have my WW calculator. What's funny is the program has changed and the way I come up with my points now isn't even correct anymore. But it worked before, so I'll take a chance that it can work again. My husband and I both need to lose weight. WW is the only thing I can think of that might give us a passing chance. Here's the thing with the program, in case you know nothing about it - you can actually eat bad food once in awhile! Not a lot of it, but you are allowed extra points, and if you want to use it for a few slices of pizza, or, in my case, a 6 pack of Hornsby Beer, go right ahead. Can you see it's appeal? Of course you can!

Don't make the mistake of thinking it's easy though. It's still a diet. We started on Sunday, exactly 7 days ago, and my stomach is still rumbling. The damn thing doesn't understand that the food I'm giving it is the correct portion size. It yells at me constantly! My husband is always complaining that he's hungry. And honestly, we're not starving ourselves. We're eating the portions that normal people eat. Our bodies just don't get it yet.

There's a lot of work involved with losing weight. I need to keep us accountable but motivated. It's silly - you think getting thin would be motivation enough, but it's hard when you have a husband that's still incredibly attracted to you and tells you you're beautiful every day and still wants to get it on ALL THE TIME. haha. I don't always feel like I need to change! It's only when I see the photos that I realize how bad I've gotten. Plus, I've gained 75lbs since we met (10 years ago) and I know deep inside he'd love to see that girl again. So anyways, here's what I've done to help us stay on course this time:

-Each of us have a notebook. Every day I write down everything we eat, the point values, and what bonus points we have left, if any.
 -Once a week we weigh ourselves. Sunday actually. Then we fill in the pounds lost on this spiffy thermometer measuring, uh, thing that I made:

And..... it's sideways. Once I get this blogging thing down, I'll get better at that.

- When we've reached 20lbs lost (which is our first goal), we get rewarded! We'll draw a prize from a bowl. It's stuff like $20 at Hobby Lobby, or Full Body Massage. Just a little something. We'll increase the prizes for the next goal of 40!
-We're taking measurements of our bodies monthly to see if we're losing any inches. That's just for fun. Oh, and don't forget the monthly before and after pictures. I hope those will steadily improve.

This isn't all either. It takes me twice as long to grocery shop since I'm having to calculate points and compare products. And then, when I get home, it takes me twice as long to put all the food away because I have to calculate the points and write them on the packages. It makes it much easier for later on. Any time I prepare a meal, I have to consult both of our food journals to see exactly how much we both can have. And you always need a few points left over for dessert! So as you can see, this is WORK. But I'm giving this diet a lot of attention and details because we need it to work. If by this time next year, I'm down to 150, then all this time and effort I'm putting into this will be worth it. That's what I keep telling myself anyways.

And if you can tell from my horrible sideways picture, we've lost weight our first week! I've lost 3lbs and David has lost 4. We're doing excellent with eating right but not so much with the exercising. In our defense, it's 108 degrees outside. Just walking out to the car can give us heat stroke. We live in an apartment so we've gone swimming a few times. We have an exercise bike too. I always thought that using one of those would be easy, but no one ever tells you how much they make your ass hurt.

I'm making a healthy lasagna for dinner tonight. I'll post the recipe and try to link it later.

I'm so hungry!!!!